I Remember - 12

 

I remember the unbearable wait for a reply to that letter... those lunch breaks when I’d rush home just to check my mailbox: those trips filled with excitement... and those returns filled with disappointment that buried my head deeper into the icy sand of silence…

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I remember cursing the Post Office…

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I remember telling myself that I had to know, at all costs, what had happened.

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I remember those two phone calls to your company that never reached you…

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I remember that feeling of rejection growing stronger and stronger as the days went by... and those question marks multiplying endlessly in my mind…

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I remember considering going to your place... then the moment I told myself that, even if I didn’t understand what had happened, I had to respect your choice and the silence you opposed—and imposed—on me…

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I remember the darkness that then engulfed my soul and that mourning I could not bear…

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I remember my life falling apart: the abandoned paintbrushes, the conflicts at work, the lights going out and colors fading…

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I remember the gray sky and the rain becoming my constant backdrop…

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I remember realizing that the only thing I cared about in life was experiencing the love I felt with you… Everything else lost its meaning and could never compete with you or compensate for your absence…

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I remember cursing the Universe for letting me meet you and experience this unbearable loss…

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I remember thinking I couldn’t see how to continue living after all that… Nothing made sense anymore; everything seemed so futile and pointless…

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I remember wanting to bow out of this world… but the thought of destroying the lives of my loved ones… and knowing that death wouldn’t solve anything… dissuaded me…

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I remember thinking that living was now, for me, a punishment... What had I done in this life—or in another—to deserve this suffering?…